Well known spiv, ex-Mirror Editor and general ponce, Piers Morgan, was caught on CCTV on several occasions last Thursday, trying to eat "raw" Custard in a number of supermarkets and a Butchers. Morgan was then chased into a local Pet Shop by several feral youths.
In a bout of bizarre behaviour, it is believed that he went straight for a number of Stoats that were being kept in a cage on the floor. In a foul and despicable act, he tried to poke his love blade between the bars, and as the Stoats thought that this was a hostile act, they took revenge.
After the melee, which bystanders timed it lasting as long as 23 minutes, Morgan emerged from the Pet Shop, by holding his groin and yelping with agony. In a further twist, Morgan ran into a man wearing incredibly small shoes.
It appears that Morgan, who was cautioned by the Police only a year ago for trying on women's underwear in a Kensington Florists, is back to his old antics. In a recent interview with "Gusset Magazine", Morgan started to harp on about something or other. The journalist interviewing Morgan gave up, after only 48 seconds into meeting him. They decided to do away with her mortal coil, with the portable Gallows that the Coffee shop still had.
In a statement, the Metropolitan Police confirmed that did indeed still have Mr Morgan in custardy.