Superstar soccer player David Beckham, and wife Victoria were staying home today as Brit girl band sensation the Bonkettes touched down at LAX and headed for the Hollywood Hills ahead of their upcoming Hollywood Bowl gig.
Manchester United, Real Madrid, AC Milan and LA Galaxy star Becks told us:
"It's the Bonkettes innit. When they roll into town, everything screeches to a halt. They're a phenomenom. The world's seen nothing like it since Beatlemania."
"Yes David. We know," Victoria pouted. "But they're not as big as the Spice Girls were."
"They're bigger!" Becks countered.
"The Bonkettes are not bigger than the Spice Girls were so you take that right back David Beckham!" Victoria ranted.
We considered this about the right time to make our excuses and leave, as we feared an impending domestic.
So we moved on to Quentin Tarantino's house and asked him how he felt about the Bonkettes playing the Hollywood Bowl. He was having lunch with Martin Scorsese and Tim Burton when we arrived. Ridley Scott apparently couldn't make it.
Quentin told us:
"I'd love to work with the Bonkettes. I'd hook 'em up with Samuel L Jackson, John Travolta, and maybe Bruce Willis. The Spit and Swallow twins would provide the love interest, but Fanny Tickler and Kathy Legover, nee Trembler would be the down, dirty and dangerous ones. The bitches. And the beauty of it would be that they could provide their own soundtrack."
"I'd have 'em dressed in period costume myself," Martin Scorcese told us. "With lots of heaving bosoms and cleavage. Probably in a retro movie about 42nd Street hookers set in the 1860's."
"I'd have them do something very dark hearted and Gothic," Tim Burton opined. "Something really darkly erotic. With thigh length boots and suggestive lingerie from Victoria's secret."
Having heard enough from these esteemed movie directors we headed off up Mulholland Drive and managed to catch up with them in their Italianate villa overlooking the LA cityscape.
We asked them how they intended to work the Hollywood Bowl gig.
Sipping a pint of paint stripper, sensually, through a straw on a lounger by the pool and wearing a really skimpy bikini, lead vocalist BJ Swallow told us:
"We're not clear on our playlist right now. But we can guarantee that we'll give the punters what they want."
We doubted that, because most of the punters just want to fuck the Bonkettes. And there are a lot of Bonkettes punters out there.
More as we get it.