Birmingham's Christmas lights switch-on event last night, which included a performance by X-Factor rejects JLS, has resulted in 60 screaming fans being crushed and condensed into a single JLS super fan. The crowd at the event surged forward when Aston seductively removed one of his trademark yellow rubber gloves and twirled it above his head before throwing it in to the seething mass of prepubescents.
Organisers of the event have said that they had to transport the hyper dense, super JLS fan to hospital in the bucket of a JCB as the suspension of the ambulance responding to the accident would not bear the fans immense weight.
The BBC reported that onlookers, "Were like WTF and all OMG as the JCB scooped up the JLS super fan. But as the JCB passed DFS on Kings lane, lead down the road by the RAC, a news team from the ITV parked their LGV in the path of the JCB causing it to break suddenly. Fortunately though the JCB had ABS. The driver of the JCB then leant out from the cab window and shouted, "are you on LSD lady? You were nearly DOA!", to which the reporter from the ITV simply apologised.
The condition of the JLS super dense fan has not yet been released to the media, but if we were to guess, we would say that their condition would be best described as 'fair to middling'.