BERLIN - The MTV Europe Music Awards were held in Berlin, Germany at The Stalag 93 Commemorative Auditorium, in honor of the 20th year anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.
The host of the event was Russell Brand's girlfriend, Katy "I Kissed A Girl" Perry, who will be releasing her next single in December entitled, "I Kissed A Woman."
Beyonce won the award for Best Female Performer. When she went up to accept her award two burly bodyguards came from backstage and stood next to her as he gave her acceptance speech at the podium.
Jay-Z's wife started off by telling the crowd not to worry because she had made sure that Kanye (West) was no where near the place. She laughed and said that she had bought him three buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and she hired ex-boxer Mike Tyson to make sure that the (N-word) stayed put in his apartment in Atlanta.
The audience erupted into one of the loudest ovations of the night. Beyonce smiled and then said that Kanye was just damn lucky that he had not tried that little mic-grabbin' stunt with her.
She grinned and said because if he had she would have snatched (her word) that microphone back out of his hand and the doctors would still be trying to extract that 'sucker' from Kanye's assaloopticus cavity.
British singer Josh Stone wore a black and blue wraparound miniskirt with black thigh-hi boots that actually went all the way up to her (blank).
Russell Brand who was seated in front of her said that when she sat down he could clearly see her black panties. Rusty later confided to Simon Cowell that the third time he looked at Stone's crotch he noticed that she was not wearing any panties, black or any other color.
Leona Lewis fully recovered from last week's book signing ordeal looked kinda cute in her Arabian carpet salesman black outfit.
When she was asked how she was feeling. She replied that she was fine but quickly added that she will never ever write another book again.
Katy came out dressed in a burgundy and powder blue football corset and short shorts in honor of her boyfriend Russell Brand's favorite team West Ham United.
The outfit was the most clever of the evening. It was very realistic and quite authentic. Katy even had her two hooters decorated to look exactly like smaller versions of two official soccer balls.
Katy's short shorts had Brand's nickname "Rusty" in big gray letters sewed on the back which when viewed from the front clearly showed that she had, had a Brazilian Wax Job.
Colombian songstress Shakira, who has the fastest hips in the world, wowed the crowd in her silver miniskirt. The petite belly dancer wore 10-inch heels which increased her height from 4 foot 8 inches to 5 foot 6 inches.
Singer Bono went up to Shakira and asked her if he could touch her hips. Shakira smiled and replied that she would let him touch her hips if he would let her touch his U2.
The hip hop rappin' Lil' Kim wore a pair of black short shorts that were so tight that if she had sneezed they would have definitely shot off of her and she could have conceivably hurt someone in the first row with collateral damage from her crotch cookie.
When Lady GaGa went up to receive her award for Best New Act, she told the cameraman to zoom in on an 8 by 10 glossy photograph that she had taken of her you-know-what that clearly showed that she is definitely a she.
The show ended and the credits began to roll and somewhere in Atlanta, Georgia, Kanye Pest, I mean West was eating a chicken wing and saying, "Dammit, I missed da award show. I coulds have been there and taken away Lady GaGa's microphone or Pixie Lott's microphone cause I's way bigger than either one of dem white bitches...fashizzle! twatshizzle!"