Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 4 November 2009

image for Lindsay Lohan's Frantic, Frantic Naked Call For Help
A photo of Lindsay Lohan taken on her birthday, July 2. (Photo courtesy of Samantha Ronson).

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Lindsay Lohan placed a 911 call and told the operator that she wanted her to give her the number of her mother's cell phone.

LiLo said that she was crying so much that she could not see the number on the cell phone number pad.

When the 911 operator asked her how she was able to call 911, Lohan got defensive and said that everybody knows the number to 911, and she said that furthermore she pays taxes, buys American made gasoline, and watches reruns of Gilligan's Island.

The operator told her that she could not give out her mother's phone number because if she did she would lose her job and then she would have to back to pole dancing.

Lohan told the operator that she would buy her a pole.

The operator told Lohan to please put the bottle down. Lindsay asked her how in the world she knew she was holding a bottle and asked where the heck the camera was located.

"Is it in the plastic fruit on my kitchen counter?" LiLo asked.

The operator told her that there was no camera. Lohan said that she did not believe her because otherwise how could she possibly know that she was holding a bottle in her hand.

Lohan then asked the operator if she could see her woo-woo and her num-nums since she was completely nude.

The operator told her that she couldn't.

Lindsay shouted out, "How many fingers am I holding up?" The operator figured she would take a guess. "One?" she asked.

"Yes, you see, you do have a camera in my house pointed right at me...dammit! where is it? Is it in my life-size blow-up replica doll of the love of my life, my ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson? Is it hidden in her belly button? Please tell me."

The operator told her that she was going to transfer her over to Dr. Cavitino Toplinsky who would deal with her directly.

Lohan became upset and told her that she did not need to talk to no dentist. She said that she needed to know where the friggin camera was.

Again the operator told her that there was no camera. Lohan became extremely upset and said that she would stay on the line and she would not get off until she was told where the effen camera was.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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