HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Once upon a time Kirstie Alley was a little overweight. Then as time passed and she began eating Hostess Twinkies as if they were M&M's she began to go up the weight scale. At first it was half a pound here, half a pound there.
But then it got to where she would get up on the scale and it would read 283, and then 17 minutes later she would get on it again and the number would go up to 287.
Weight specialists throughout the United States and the United Kingdom will tell you that gaining four pounds in 17 minutes is not good, not good at all, no matter what anyone may think.
And Ms. Alley is by no means alone in this situation. Right now as I write this [Nov. 14, 2009, 2:35 p.m. CST] research studies have shown that there are approximately 32 million women and 18 million men putting some kind of food product into their respective mouths.
Extensive studies also show that the number one cliche uttered by the female of the species is "I don't care if I am 142 friggin pounds overweight, at least I'm happy." And they say this as if a normal woman who weighs a normal weight of say 117 is unhappy.
All of us have seen very happy women who weigh 500 pounds, sad women who weigh 500 pounds, happy women who weigh 110 pounds, and sad women who weigh 110 pounds. So this fat equals happy, skinny equals unhappy theory will not fly.
At the insistence of her maid Chanclitas Tecolote, who is 29, stands 5 foot 3, and weighs 115 pounds, Kirstie decided to apply for a six month membership in the all-female Rancho De Las Pansonas Fat Farm located just outside of Oxnard.
Kirstie whose weight had reached 409, was accepted, she paid her membership fee of $19,000, and she was fitted with the official Rancho De Las Pansonas Fat Farm bright canary yellow jump suit.
She was paired with 537 pound Marsha Larkinweaver from Lake Havasu City, Arizona. Up until last year, Marsha only weighed 109. But last Christmas she started eating Christmas foods such as Christmas cookies, cakes, pies, and even carbohydrate bits and soon she found that she had ballooned up to 211.
And then came Valentine's Day and she started eating Valentine products such as Valentine candy, biscuits, tacos, and shish-kabob, and soon she had hit the 320 mark.
Easter arrived and so did chocolate Easter Bunnies, Easter Ducks, Easter Jellyfish, and Easter Triceratops. And 'el numero' (the number) shot up to 419.
By the time Food Day came around in June, Ms. Larkinweaver had hit the big 500 mark.
And today the "Larkster," as Kirstie calls her, tips the scales (literally) at 537. She realized she had a problem when she noticed that she was salting her food with bacon strips. She also found herself eating glazed donuts smashed between two jelly donuts.
She confessed that she started doing things that she had never done before like eating a bowl of cereal while showering and mixing cookie dough while sitting on the commode (toil*t) and peeing.
She began eating all kinds of weird combinations of food products. She would make peanut butter and salami sandwiches, stir-fried kangaroo pockets, chocolate covered ice cubes, and sugarcubeburgers.
But there is hope for Kirstie just as there is hope for her Fat Farm partner Marsha. It seems that last week Marsha received an email from an old boyfriend Rory Luckyspoon.
Rory was the love of Marsha's life. He was the man of her dreams. And Marsha told all of her relatives, her friends, her estranged grandmother, and even the postman, that Rory Luckyspoon hung the moon.
But sadly, when Marsha's weight started going north, Luckyspoon went south. Literally, he moved down to Calexico, California.
But now in his email he has told "Marshmallow", as he would refer to her during their acts of intimacy, that if she loses 420 pounds and gets down to 117 he will take her back.
Marsha is thrilled beyond belief and she has said that she will do it and furthermore that she will do it by next Easter.
Weight has always been an important part of the "American Way." Even back during the times of Pocahontas her boyfriend Holy Cow was always encouraging her to not eat so much Thanksgiving Turkey, Christmas Ham, and Valentine's Day Chocolates.
And it worked, because "Pokey" as Holy Cow called her wore a size 2 Indian dress all of her adult life.
To find out more about Marsha Larkinweather's quest to lose 420 pounds log on to fatfatfat.fat
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I regret to report that I have just learned that the director of the Rancho De Las Pansonas Fat Farm, Olivia Hotchkiss-Funk has just banned Kirstie Alley from the farm. Details are still sketchy but we will reveal them as soon as we get them. A reliable inside source has stated that his gut feeling (no pun intended) is that Fat Farm officials may have felt that Miss Alley had somehow become a bad influence on Miss Larkinweaver.]