Cheryl Cole trumped Dannii Minogue in the style stakes by appearing on Saturday's X Factor in a dress by David Koma, an exciting new design talent. In fact it wasn't a real dress at all but a special stunt dress made of MDF with only a front, no back and sides. Dannii was shunted up so Louis and Simon could sit round Cheryl and get a good view.
Poor Dannii was further overshadowed by the revelation that 40-year-old Sinitta secretly gave birth to Simon's son, Jamie Archer, 34 years ago. Simon has made no comment but our source says: "The evidence is clear. Just Photoshop a curly perm and some fake bake onto Simon's image and you'll see for yourself."
Meanwhile feverish preparations continue for next week's show, featuring movie theme songs. Award-winning choreographer Brian Friedman has come up with a plan to ensure Jedward continue to dominate the voting - the twins will be performing "My Heart Will Go On" from the blockbuster Titanic, complete with special effects.
"Louis Walsh's career has proved that musical talent isn't everything as long as you have a blond quiff and fireworks going off behind you" Brian explained.
"So we've pulled out all the stops to keep the twins in the public eye. Throughout Saturday's performance, John will cling to an upturned glacier while Edward bangs special guest Kate Winslet in the back of a vintage car."