LONDON - The latest edition of Strictly Come Dancing was the scene of quite a scene. Crotchety old English Judge Len Goodman got into a heated verbal argument with the somewhat softish Australian Judge Craig Revel Horwood.
Goodman, 97, took offense at the offensive remarks that Horwood, 44, was making towards dancers Ricky Groves and his partner Erin Boag.
First of all Judge Bruno Tonioli had remarked that the couple who danced to the theme from the James Bond movie A License To Kill, were so bad that they should be arrested for dancing without a license.
The "Italian Non-Stallion" then said that their 007 dance number routine should have been called 00 minus 7.
Then Judge Craig Revel Horwood (pronounced WHORE-would) remarked that they had taken James Bond and turned the bloody bloke into Shames Bond.
Craigy, as he is called by his close male friend Granty, said that if James Bond had been sitting in the audience, he would have taken out his Walther P38K gun and shot both of the pair in their arses (but*ts).
He then turned his stinging wrath to the female of the pair (Erin Boag) and said that it certainly appeared by all looks of things that someone had cut out the back of the bottom of her dress.
He went on to say that it was cut up so high, that he could almost see her tramp stamp tattoo above her crackarectus.
He pointed out that she had no sense of color coordination as her brownish-beige high heel shoes did not match with anything on her except for maybe her (blank).
He then turned and focused in on Mr. Groves and said that wearing his shirt open and as low cut as it was, was an extremely futile fourth-class attempt at trying to copy the great Tom Jones.
Just then Len said that he had heard enough. He called Horwood, a stale crumpet-eating 'has been' who truth be told, was actually never even a 'once was.'
Horwood shouted out "Rubbish mate!"
Goodman countered with "Hey mate, stick the rubbish where even an obscenely gross gerbil won't find it."
Horwood looked quite puzzled as he replied, "What?"
Len then said that he was done talking to him and for him (Horwood) to go off and find a needle and thread and sew something pretty and dainty that he could wear to the market place.
Horwood stood up, said that he would, and he walked off. An audience member sitting in the front row said that she saw a lot of tears coming from "Hory's" eyes.
As Horwood was leaving, Goodman stood up and yelled out that if he dared return he would personally take him off to the side and kick his arse across the English Channel to Ambleteuse, France, home of the Sugar Plum Fairies.
Bruno then jumped in and said that he wanted the two to stop acting like they were Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.
Goodman grabbed Tonioli by the collar and told him to shut up, close his mouth, and kiss his old grouchy English Abdul.
Alesha Dixon, the only female judge, finally came out of the womens restroom but when she saw Len choking Bruno she let out a slight scream and immediately went back towards the ladies room.
The London Hand-Held Daily Mirror is reporting that Scotland Yard is looking into the incident. We will definitely pass on further details as they become available.