Written by Ulver

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Topics: X-Factor, Jedward

Sunday, 1 November 2009

image for Brown: "Driving spikes into your Cerebrum and slicing off your balls is preferable to enduring another Saturday night of those gurning Irish C*nts"
Could Jedward survive a nuclear blast ?

Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke as "da hood" was in mourning tonight after the shock success of those twin shits, who are believed to be more stubborn to remove than Cockroaches after a Nuclear strike, who ousted fan favourite Rachel in tonight's results' show.

The "surprise" prompted Louis Walsh to offer the foetid shites some "one on one" mentoring in his steam bath/dressing room, whilst it is believed that Simon Cowell actually summoned Satan to see what had gone wrong with the terms of his deal.

The PM weighed in after it was discussed in COBRA's weekend cocktail party, and the Permananent Under Secretary of State for Reality TV shows and Lavatorial affairs, Sir Robin Throb-Nasty suggested reactivating loyalist paramilitary groups to invade the Twins' home town and "take the f*ckers out". Failing that rather drastic step Brown has elected to push the UN to implement sanctions against the beleaguered and bankrupt Euro-State in an attempt to have Eire's twin ambassadors of shite recalled and censured or at the very least sterilised to prevent horror for future generations.

In separate news, Jones the Steam the secretive leader of the Welsh National Liberation Army "The Viet Taff" announced that if Lloyd Daniels lost out to the twins in future then this would result in "fierce and bloody vengeance" upon Ireland and the bastard sons of Louis Walsh.

Wales is the second Euro State to threaten War on Southern Ireland whom they claim have breached the terms of the Internation ban on Biological Weapons' experiments by using skin rescued from circumcision buckets and pile procedures to breed John and Edward as a shocking new tool in the war on good taste and public decency.

Spud O'Bog-Trotter, Irish Minister for Ball-aching gave this reply tonight "yous can all go fuck yous selves !" before he fell over in a pool of his own piss and shite.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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