Written by Dungeekin
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Wednesday, 28 October 2009

image for X-Factor Stars Announce New Contract
J&E: coming soon to a bowl near you

X-Factor contestants John and Edward have announced a new advertising contract, it was announced today.

John and Edward Grimes, the nineteen-year-old twins who have entertained X-Factor audiences with their unprecedented lack of talent, have officially signed as the new faces of Harpluck, and will be involved the the promotion of a new line of toilet products.

A spokesman for Harpluck said, "John and Edward have shown that they are the ideal people to front our new campaign. It's not that they have the dance skills of John Sergeant and the musical talent of a disgruntled wildebeest - it's their hair. Who can say that they haven't watched these two, with their stupid reedy voices and their stupid disjointed 'dance' moves and their stupid 80's-reject fluorescent suits, without wanting to shove their heads down the nearest WC?

"Our scientists have analysed the haircuts of the twins and have established that their coiffes, will remove all bacteria and limescale even right below the waterline."

Harpluck's new product, the 'J&E Brush', will differ from normal toilet products in that it will be purely online. Consumers will register their details with Harpluck and, at a cost of £29.99 per quarter, will receive a fortnightly visit from either John or Edward, at which point they will be able to shove the talentless cretin's head firmly into their bog bowl. Flushes will be limited to a maximum of five or the drowing of the wannabe, whichever comes first.

A source for Harpluck confirmed that Simon Cowell has already booked both John and Edward for lengthy bog-washes every day for the next five years.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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