Written by Rebut
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Topics: Sport, Star Trek

Wednesday, 11 August 2004

image for Mod Squad Returns
Michael Moore just prior to uncloaking.

Following the success of Starsky and Hutch, producers have launched a battery of new follow-on series. 'Star Trek The Following Generation', leads the way with producers hoping to create a new Olympic Sport from the show.

Each week Michael Moore will play Pachtheelder, commander of a Klingon ship. Each week while cloaked, it will attack an innocent Starship. Once the Starship is burning, the Klingon ship uncloaks giving viewers a full view of Moore roaring with laughter. At this point a new Olympic sport among viewers may well be born : Hurling.

The producers are planing to contact organisers to ascertain whether being sick, is a sport. They point out that there are numerous categories ranging from weight to distance. In the interest of fairness television screens will all need to be colour and of equal size.

Mod Squad is also on the way back. This politically correct series of years gone by, will again go the extra mile to be PC. The three cops will now be a Mexican border crosser who can't speak a word of English, a female sex change but who has both sex organs and an Iraqi women who is covered from head to toe but has a shower each week.

The real impact comes from the Captain who gives them their assignments. It's played by a deaf and blind Transvestite who spends the whole episode going "Huh?!" everytime something bumps into he/she/it. The episode where the Captain gets lost in a revolving door is not to be missed apparently.

'Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea' has gone to a British production house. Unlike it's American counterpart it has only two episodes. The first shows the submarine almost leaving port before the Captain realises that budget cuts has left them with no fuel.

The sub then sinks like a stone, with producers confirming that this was in fact reality TV. Frantic calls for help go unheeded, as budget cuts have scuttled anything that could even have thought of attempting to save them. Most of the show is the sight of sailors turning blue.

The second and final episode is all the pomp and ceremony that is a British Naval Funeral. In addition the spouses and next of kin are seen filing suit against the British Navy, producers and David Blunkett who should have seen this coming.

"Cannon" the fat private detective is also back but this time played by Britney Spears. As viewers will recall the highlights of Cannon involved a short, fat, moral individual, permanently eating. He was always pulling up his pants and his stomach looked full of gas ; it seemed like he must fart but he never did.

In Britney they've gone for a sleek, svelte blonde permanently preening with a head that looks like it's so full of gas that it has to blow but never does. Apparently there aren't any plots but most viewers won't mind.

Last but not least is 'Petrocelli', the attorney. In his day we watched as he solved a murder or proved his robber innocent and the like. The part today is played by the pseudo Ben Afflek and like all the other legal stories, has completely lost the plot.

In the first episode look forward to finding out if a woman suffering from post natal depression with somersalt and pike, 4 and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie, has the legal capacity to sue for maternity leave while claiming the father is a Klingon.

Those in training for the Olympics will be pleased to know that an uncloaked Michael Moore has a cameo.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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