Plastic-chested model and television celebrity Katie Price, who calls herself Jordan after her obvious heroine from the 1970s, today announced she was going to Afghanistan to boost the morale of the hard-pressed Taleban soldiers there.
'Who's Jordan?', she said to reporters, who asked her to lean forward, as they couldn't see her face due to what looked like a pair of perfectly circular beach balls under her sweater.
'I call myself Jordan in honour of the country Jordan, like, cos it's, well, it's hot and stuff. I wanted to go on holiday there but the British Ambassador told me the Jordaners, who is Arabics, might not like it. So I'm going to Afghanistan instead, to boost the morale of our brave boys the Talebans.'
As British soldiers heaved a collective sigh of relief in Afghanistan, as they prefer girls without grotesque plastic surgery on an almost comical scale, a Taleban spokesman said: 'We thank Miss Jordan gratefully, yes, as our women is dressed head to toe in sackcloth even a girl with a fake chest made out of helium balloons is good for us morale. Excuse me while I goes and shoots my wife for leaving my house before darkness fall. Death to Israel! Death to Britain! Death, death, death, death, death to everybody!'
Jordan was seen in North London adjusting her chest in front of a mirror. 'Does my chest look big in all this silicon rubber?', she asked her former husband Bleater Porngay.
'I can only answer that if 12 journalists and 2 TV crews are present', he replied, 'but don't hurry back from Afghanistan on my account!' Katie Price's chest is 89 this week. Inches.