Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 27 October 2009

image for People Don't Like X-Factor's Danyl Johnson Because He Looks Like Richard Nixon
A recent photo taken of Simon Cowell and his "wallet."

LONDON - Simon Cowell is furious that his protege, Danyl Johnson was in the bottom two of the last edition of X-Factor.

Cowell said that 27-year-old Berkshire native Danyl along with America's Adam Lambert are the two best singers he has heard in the past five years.

Cowell was asked if perhaps the fact that both The London Sunspot and The Manchester Moon reported that Danyl was bi may have caused some voters to turn away and vote instead for the The Grimes twins, John and Edward.

Simon says or rather Simon said that it was preposterous since everyone in America knew that Lambert preferred to bat from the other side of the plate.

And Adam still managed to place second behind that young man from Arkansas who's name most folks have pretty much already forgotten...Matt Giraud, no; Danny Gokey, no; ah yes Kris Allen.

He noted that the semi-pride of England Elton John is still popular and everyone knows that when he rides his horsey, Bubbles, that he rides him sidesaddle. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Bubbles is more accurately a gelding since last March he had his bollocks (balls) removed.]

Paula Abdul's BFF, Cowell went on to say that Clay Aiken and Lance Bass still have a pretty good fan base even though everyone knows that they both like the color pink, like to cook dainty meals, and cheerfully sing along with Madonna songs.

Cowell commented that it is his understanding that in regards to the Grimes twins popularity, it is mostly based on the fact that the 'Dublin Duo' wear a very popular up-done hairdo which is all the rage in British coastal towns such as Skegness, Great Yarmouth, and Ramsgate.

Twin John who is the eldest of the two having been born 4 days, 13 hours, 17 minutes, and 9 seconds before his baby brother Edward, said that they figure people like them more than they like Danyl because they have stated that their favorite football team is Manchester United, whereas Mr. Johnson has said that his favorite football team is the Tennessee Titans.

Simon Cowell said that he has received numerous emails, text messages, and phone calls saying flat out that they do not like Danyl because he looks to much like former U.S. President Richard Nixon, whom they feel disrespected England's David Frost.

In a related story. Simon Cowell has announced that he is no longer dating the much younger doe-eyed, tight jeaned retro-soul singer Pixie Lott. Cowell said that he just got tired of her asking him all the time to take her to McDonald's and buy her a Happy Meal.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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