EAST SUSSEX, England - Speaking from her palatial home, Heather Mills, ex-wife of Beatle Paul McCartney said that she has been practicing eight hours a day in preparation for her participation on the ITV celebrity skating contest Dancing On Ice
The 41-year-old former model says that just because she received 24.3 million pounds in her divorce settlement from Sir Pauly, as she calls ex-husband Paul McCartney, does not mean that she is just going to sit around on her arse (ass) and have servants hand feed her grapes.
Heather wants to show the people of England, Scotland, Ireland, and the rest of the world, including Wales and Bosnia that she can ice skate her ass (arse) off.
She has told The London Hand-Held Daily Mirror that her goal is to definitely win first place.
Ms. Mills says that after she wins on Dancing On Ice she plans to participate in an expedition to climb the 19,331 foot Mount Kilimanjaro.
Mills said that she is seriously considering climbing Mt. Killy, as the local Tanzanians call it while completely blindfolded.
She says that she wants to bring world-wide attention to the fact that mean people throughout the world are clubbing poor defenseless seals, monkeys, hippos, and giraffes in order to get their teeth which are made into earrings, necklaces, bracelets, and vaginal rings.
Mills adamantly says that these practices have to stop. She then adds that if a woman really wants a vaginal ring made from the teeth of a seal, monkey, hippo, or giraffe that bad she will write her a check for $2,000 instead.
She then adds that the offer is limited to one $2,000 check per female.
Mills was asked if she is presently dating anyone. She smiled and said that she was but that she broke up with him when she heard him say that he liked the Rolling Stones music much better than he liked the Beatles music.
In other news. The World Globalization Society is warning that eating uncooked bumble bees can cause bothersome buzzing sounds in your nose.