Soul diva Whitney Houston has been voted off the X-Factor according to an extremely unreliable source based in Matlock, Derbyshire.
In an attempt to unearth why the great British public have apparently come out in droves against the 'I Will Always Love You' vocalista, we made some calls and received some interesting responses.
"It's because she married Bobby Brown," one contact told us.
"It's the eyes," an optician told us. "She keeps her eyes closed most of the time these days, so people think she's asleep."
"It's the drugs man," a man in the street told us. "She still hasn't got over it. I reckon she wakes up every morning shaking like a shitting dog."
Reports indicate that Cheryl Cole, wife of that annoying little Chelsea twat footballer, was moved to tears by Houston's removal. She is reported to have burst into tears and rushed onto the stage to embrace her shaky friend with a spot of conciliatory nipple to nipple action.
Houston was reported to have a problem.
Cheryl Cole, a member of girlie band Girls Aloud has reportedly realised that she herself lacks any musical talent, and is thus aspiring to becoming the nation's sweetheart by becoming the new Cilla Black - devoid of any singing potential, but with a semi-likeable personality.
Judge Simon Cowbell, who is allegedly minted, described Houston's fall from grace and failed comeback as:
"Tragic, but at least she's not dead yet. Unlike some I could mention. You may always love us Whitney, but we certainly won't always love you."
More as we get it.