Written by P Turton

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Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Big Brother to help homeless

Following poor ratings for the current Big Brother series, television production company Banal today announced exciting changes for the inevitable sequel. Entitled 'Big Brother: Gimme Shelter!' the series will follow the same format, however contestants will exclusively be drawn from the ranks of the homeless.

Rather than a prize of £70,00 BB: Gimme Shelter will see the winning street ruffian inserted back into society with a job, house and car. This re-insertion will also provide the basis for a docu-soap as we follow the winner on their journey back into a productive and rewarding life. Camera crews will also follow the losers as we see their lives again degenerate into scag and cider addled despair.

Activities in the house will include a 'Young Enterprise' style scheme whereby the contestants will attempt to make and sell products using their own street experiences. If activities are carried out successfully prizes will include de-tox programmes, facial tattoo removal and a mangy dog on a string.

A new innovation in the Big Brother format will be the addition of 'special guests', who will appear randomly during the day and night to keep contestants on their toes. A brutish Glaswegian pimp will force his way into the house and attempt to force contestants to turn tricks for him.

At other times a 'Tara Palmer Tompkinson' style crack whore will try to tempt them with her wares. A sleazy Cockny will occasionally hang around offering them money to appear in his amateur porn. Also, in an attempt to offer some direction to their lives, a genuine army recruitment officer will try to enlist them.

"Given that the current series is p*ss, this will be the best one ever." said series producer Ian Bastard, "It will be considerably cheaper to make as the plush settings of the original will not have to be recreated: these people would be happy with just a roof and a candle."

Crow-faced Davina McCall is thrilled with the proposed changes to Big Brother, "I really get off on hanging round non celebrity types and being involved with the homeless will be a real buzz, they'll really look up to me." she said.

Big Brother: Gimme Shelter will be broadcast as soon as the current series has finished.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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