As the panto season approaches, so the number of 'D' list celebrities vying for a place amongst the spotlights and balsa-wood stage sets grows.
Christy Bigguns, the fulsome, yet questionable actor of yesteryear, is assured of a place within both the nation's hearts, and the pancake and greasepaint.
"His 'Twankey' is a joy to behold." Gushed a hovering sychophant. "And I would die for a piece of his 'Dick'." (Whittington)
"When he climbed that beanstalk," said another starstruck admirer, "it was poetry in motion. I nearly cried."
Fragrant 'I can't believe it's not Butterfies' actress, Wednesday Craigavon, is also assured of a major part this Christmas.
"I have never got my kit off in public," she confessed, "and I want this panto season to be a first for me. I want to really express myself, and full sex on stage is not out of the question."
It's 'Aladdin' for God's sake, Wednesday, not bloody 'Hair'!