There was cause for celebration in the Thai eastern seaboard resort of Pattaya tonight as, despite the saddening news of the untimely demise of Irish boyband homosexual singer Stephen Gately, it was revealed that satirical writer, social commentator and general fuckwit, Monkey Woods, was still in the land of the living.
Gately, as-bent-as-a-nine-bob-note, expired on the Spanish island of Mallorca in extremely mysterious circumstances on Saturday, but it wouldn't surprise me if it turned out that his death had something to do with the fact that he made the basic mistake of marrying a man instead of a woman.
Woods, on the other hand, made the far wiser decision to marry a female, with the subsequent result that he has never had to worry about 'having his back doors kicked in', as is so often the case with the Uphill Gardening fraternity.
One person who was rejoicing at the news of Woods' survival, was Mrs Woods, 40, a housewife. Others were Boy Woods, 13, and Girl Woods, 7. They told us:
"We're glad Dad is still alive, and that Stephen Gately is dead. It's a real relief."
Gately , whose name was unknown to many people until he died on Saturday, had several hits with his band Boyzone until 2000 when it inevitably split up. He might have made millions of pounds from record sales, but let's face it, it didn't do him any good in the long run, did it?
At least - even if his pathetic life is just an endless existence of miserable mudanity - Monkey Woods is still alive.
And that's the main thing. Isn't it?
Someone who had never heard of Gately is long-time Bangkok resident Dirk Astan. He told me:
"Who the fuck was Stephen Gately?"