Simon Powell reveals his beauty tips exclusively to me today. He describes how he is actually 300 years old and only stays alive by eating aborted foetuses daily - "It's really awesome for my skin, it definitely gives me the Z Factor!"
Other tips recommended by the pop tycoon include "never touch dark people", and "insect flesh is much healthier than mammal flesh".
Mr Powell has recently been through a career hiatus, during which he did not appear on UK television for two days in a row. He has since made up for this by starting his own TV channel - "Simon Says Television", in which anything Simon says must be done.
One producer who has worked for Mr Powell for years said, "The c*** won't let anyone else contribute to any of his shows, so why not let him have his own channel, at least to satisfy his enormous ego. For now."