Written by Bureau
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Monday, 12 October 2009

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Roman Polansky finally broke down in his cell this morning and admitted to a lifetime of abuse!

"It's even worse in here in the prison", Polansky was reported saying. "I got nothing else to do so I abuse myself two or three times a day."

Apparently the abuse began when Polansky was only twelve.

"I saw some other kid doing it and I was curious and so, that's when it all started."

Polanski admitted that sometimes he would abuse himself up to 10-12 times a week, all during high school and afterward.

He said that the family finally built a second bathroom so that someone else would have to go in there sometimes when they really needed it.

"It was so selfish. I admit it now. All I ever thought of was myself...well, I did think of others too, but I mean about my own needs and wants."

"Now I'm in a cell. There's nothing to do, really. I can sympathize with the monkeys in their cages. If I'm ever out of here, I think I'll make a film showing how bad this can get."

"I just hope it's before I completely lose my eyesight."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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