Written by matwil
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Monday, 12 October 2009

image for 'How The Prize Was Won' starring Barry O'Nobody premieres today
Barry O'Nobody in 'A Clockwork Waffler'

The long-awaited Hollywood blockbuster 'How The Prize Was Won' had its premiere today in Stockholm, Illinois, and was attended by many stars.

The movie, that lasts 3 hours, stars Barry O'Nobody as a homeless drifter in America, who one day goes to Illinois to prospect for prizes that will make him rich and famous. For years he finds nothing at all, and is reduced to making long, meaningless speeches in saloons about minority rights and ending wars to pay for his food, and nobody pays him any attention, as he is just another daydreaming prize prospector.

Then one day, as he is sifting through the earth in his pan, and muttering 'Yes we can, yes we can, yes we can' over and over to himself, til it becomes extremely annoying and childish, he finds what looks like a large nobel prize. 'I've done it!', he shouts, 'I have now, we can now say, come this far! I am no longer a waffling nobody with irritating - and immature-sounding and pretentious - catchphrases, oh no, not moi!', and he takes his prize to the weighing shack, already making plans for what he will do now he is rich.

'Firstly I shall become the most powerful man in the world', he thinks to himself, 'then I'll really end wars, and get the US Marines back from that pointless conflict in Mexico. Then I'll make America a place where everyone is equal, and more like Walton Mountain than an industrialised and adult nation.'

'Everyone will love everyone else, and all the bad men will vanish into thin air, especially Dick 'Turpin' Cheney. And then we can all dance around the campfire singing songs, and have our apple pie and eat it. Yes, sirree, this prize will change everything.'

But then the movie takes a dramatic twist, as actor Sean Connery appears as villain 'Oily Beard' Bush. 'So you thought a prize would mean you'd become some kinda big shot', he drawls, taking out his customised Hillary Bill Clintock sniper's rifle. 'Well, Ah'm a here to tell you life just ain't like that', and a gun battle breaks out between O'Nobody and Bush, with O'Nobody winning and making Bush flee to Texas.

And in the final scene O'Nobody manages to get to the weighing shack, with the hero badly wounded from the fighting. 'Next', says the weighing clerk, and O'Nobody manages to put his prize on the scales, thinking thoughts about ending world poverty and finally helping the USA win at a sport with all his riches. 'How much is it worth, doc?', he asks the clerk.

'Sorry, sir', the clerk replies, 'this is a fool's prize and worth absolutely nothing at all.' 'What!' 'Fraid so. Next!' 'But - but what about my plans for peace across the world and ending wars, and, for now is the time to say this, my plans to become the most powerful man in the, and we can also reiterate, world?' 'Next!', and the credits roll as a broken O'Nobody goes back to where he really belongs, to the little village of Fox News.

Critics were unsure about the blockbuster, and one, Hilarity Jane Clinton, said: 'You know, I found O'Nobody rather long-winded and ridiculous, he brings no real authority to the part. Though it was funny when the prize turned out to be worthless!' And another, Arnold Scheissespeaker, added 'Eet woz gooood.'

The director of the film is Sir David Flatten-Basra, who has won many Academy Awards for his films, including 'How The Taxes Went East To The Promised Land', 'How The Token Changed Nothing But Sure Waffled About It', and 'How To Bribe Swedes To Give You Awards For Doing Nothing At All Of Any Worth (At All)'.

Next weeks sees the release of another O'Nobody film - 'A Clockwork Waffler'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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