Written by Rebut
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Sunday, 1 August 2004

image for Michael Moore Dances Swan Lake
Stand by swans it's chucker off....

In all my years as a critic I can honestly say that I have never seen so many people so moved by one performance. Most have simply moved out of New York but many have moved out of the country.

The sight of a 300 pound man dressed in tights and thundering across the stage was more than most could bear. The sight of it flattening the prima ballerina on the way past begs description.

In a unique approach to this classic Tchaikovsky masterpiece, the producers dispensed with a choreographer and introduced an animal trainer. He informed me afterwards that Moore was uncooperative until they introduced "treats" to reward good work.

"There was one terrifying moment on opening night. I had taken up a seat in the front row and forgotten that I'd left the dog treats in my jacket pocket. The top was sticking out and when Moore thundered past he spied the "offending item" immediately. The pathologist says that it took them an hour to remove that woman from the chair before they could perform the autopsy. My fault really, I thank my lucky stars every day that he missed me with that leap."

I asked Moore what he thought of the quasi- symphonic qualities of Acts Two and Four. As always he was forthright in his views : "Bush is in bed with the Saudis, Afghanistan was a pipeline in the making and the sooner Bush goes the sooner we can all breathe easier."

"Anything on the score Mike?" Without missing a beat : "Columbine High were robbed with that last touchdown. We were robbed no question".

On the ladies he'd danced with : "Very graceful and lithe. I'm quite embaressed about missing so many of them..although it's their own fault as well, spinning and twirling then prancing so high who do they think I am Randal Williams or something? Even he'd drop a couple."

What did he enjoy about performing Swan Lake? "No question, that part where I come thundering onto stage and all those prissy little swans scramble off it! Pity nobody had the brains to put that in before I added it eh?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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