Unnamed sources in New York City law enforcement have leaked information that Talk Show comedian David Letterman has found himself as the mark in yet another extortion scheme.
This time, however, easy money isn't the goal, but something more intimate. Reprinted here is the ominous letter left on his desk, sure to be exhibit A -- if Letterman decides to take legal action:
To the heartless one:
You think you know blackmail, huh? Still quaking in your boots from that pathetic fleecing by that bloodsucking, arm-twisting Halderman? Haven't stopped reeling over his threat to let everyone know what a creep you are, by unmasking nice guy, asexual David Letterman . . . and expose him as exploitative "David Predator Man," the boss who boffs his bitches?
That guy didn't know jack about your true creepiness. I'll show you real blackmail, buddy.
If you don't meet my demand, your bizarre fetish for cheese will become public knowledge, "Mr. David Cheddar Man."
If that doesn't weaken your resolve, I'll let everyone know about your "issues" with incontinence, "Mr. David Bedwetter Man."
Not scared, tough guy? How 'bout I reveal that I saw you order ass-less chaps out of an adult catalogue, "Mr. David Leather Man"?
I didn't want it to come to this, but I know you must know that I've been tormented over the years by your failure to ever respond to all those little love letters I left around the set for you to discover and rejoice, "Mr. David Deadletter Man."
So, this is it, "Mr. David Prickteaser Man," you can either be dragged out into the cold yet glaring light . . . ! Or you can keep on hiding in your ball of creepiness -- by giving me my long lusted after mercy-impaling -- by bending me over that desk you sit behind every night and tearing me up good, "Mr. David Shredder Man."
I won't wait another 27 years,
The police and Letterman are baffled by those last two letters. The two leading theories are it's either a PostScript cut short, or it stands for Plastic Surgery and the culprit will be unrecognizable, so don't bother trying to arrest him.