Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Saturday, 26 September 2009

image for Glenn Beck's Boiled Frog Incident Blamed On Chronic Dry Eye Condition
"Say Glenn, I'm bushed from last night's practice jumping out of a fake pot of boiling water. Mind if we skip -- "

Washington, DC - "Glenn just didn't see that it was a live frog he grabbed out of the tank and tossed into a pot of boiling water," said a co-producer of the Glenn Beck TV show at a press conference called to explain Glenn Beck's actions that so shocked his supporters and detractors alike this week. "He has been suffering from chronic dry eye lately and he hasn't been reacting so well to the artificial tears the optometrist prescribed him."

Suddenly and unexpectedly Glenn Beck stepped out from behind a curtain and walked onto the stage, causing a wave of flashing lights from reporters' cameras to go off.

Looking as if he had been crying with eyes red and nose running, Glenn Beck took a seat at the table alongside the co-producer conducting the press conference.

"Beck what are you doing here?" said the co-producer struggling to place his hand over the microphone with Glenn Beck repeatedly removing it. "We told you to stay back at the studio. We'd handle this."

Finally, Glenn Beck pulled the microphone from its place and walked to the edge of the stage, where he sat down with his feet dangling.

"Yeah, so now you all know," said somewhat defensive Glenn Beck as he began weeping uncontrollably. "I suffer from a medical condition, it's called patriotism. Ever heard of it? But this news conference is not about me. It's about Little Hopper."

As Glenn Beck's co-producer touched his shoulder giving him a sympatric pat, Beck pulled away.

"Do you think for a second that if I thought Little Hopper couldn't jump out of that pot of boiling water that I would have thrown him in?" said a still weeping Glenn Beck. Now wiping the mucus that profusely run from his nose on his coat sleeve. "What kind of monster do you people think I am?"

In between the incoherent utterances, later after the press conference concluded, the members of the media were able to piece together by comparing notes what Glenn Beck said.

"I think he said that he had been rehearsing the night before the show throwing the now expired amphibian he called 'Little Hopper' into a pot of boiling water," said a reporter. "And I guess they both stayed up pretty late and I guess 'Little Hopper' was just too tired to hop out one last time the next day."

As the Glenn Beck suddenly stopped weeping, a hush came over the reporters as many had joined him, overcame themselves with emotion at seeing a grown man cry so.

"But I'll tell you what," suddenly spoke out Glenn Beck in a clear unwavering voice as if he had not been crying at all. "Little Hopper was a true patriot, giving up his life for his country."

Glenn Beck then walked back behind the table and pulling out of his coat pocket a tiny little coffin with a tiny little American flag drawn over it, placed it on the surface. But prevented anyone from taking a photograph of it.

Taking a step back, Glenn Beck stood rigidly at attention. While looking out over the media pool, he slowly drew up his right hand to his forehead for a firm ceremonious salute. Then just as slowly placed his arm back at his side.

"I salute you Little Hopper," said Glenn Beck. "And I can say from the bottom of my American heart, you were not a fascist, socialist or communist like our president."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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