ATHENS - Archipelagoian scientists have named the island of Tristan Da Cunha as the most remote spot on earth.
The island which is situated 1,740 miles from Cape of Good Hope, Africa was first discovered by Dutch explorer Tristan Da Cunha, 39, on Thursday, September 19, 1506.
Da Cunha wanted to call the island Jamaica, after his girlfriend, Jamaica Schwartz, but he consulted a gazetteer and found out that there was already an island by that name.
His next choice was to name the island after his girlfriend's pet Chihuahua, Cuba, but again there was already an island using that name.
Frustrated and tired of looking through the gazetteer he just said the heck with it and decided to name it after himself.
He did catch hell from his fellow crew members who started calling him Tristan The Conceited, Tristy The Self-Centered, and Tristo The Egomaniac.
Da Cunha finally got them to stop with the name-calling when he told them that since it was only 1506, there were probably hundreds of undiscovered islands out there that they would set out to discover and he promised that each one of the crew members would have an undiscovered island named after them.
Billy Hawaii quickly jumped up, he started clapping excitedly and asked, "For real Tristy?"
And Da Cunha replied yes for real, scout's honor, and please pass the coconut oil.
Blake Australia and Tony Iceland then both stood up, grabbed a couple of handy accordions, and started playing and singing Da Cunha's favorite song "Islands In The Steam," not the one by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, but the one by the Portuguese band Francisco Fondue & The World She Is Flat Band.
The reason that the island of Tristan Da Cunha is so remote is because in 1869, the dreaded Biscuit Flu hit destroying all of the island's palm trees. And as everyone knows an island without palm trees is like Dolly Parton without y'all-know-whats.
Then two years later in 1913, just kiddin' it was in 1871, the island was attacked by a swarm of Ethiopian Wee Wee Bugs. These diabolical creatures that look a little bit like Jay Leno's chin but only smaller and without wrinkles strictly bite dogs and then only on their Wee Wee's (go figure).
Well the E2WB's as the islanders called them pretty well put an end to the dog population since the male dogs could no longer hump the female dogs due to the painful pain from the E2WB bites.
And then in 1919, the island was hit by a devastating category five hurricane named Hurricane Slut.
[WRITER'S NOTE: Back then hurricanes were given derogatory names, like Floozy, Hussy, Bitch, and Ho, since after all they were not nice things.]
Hurricane Slut hit the island with such a tremendous force(the winds were clocked at 171 mph), that it completely carried off every single grain of sand. And as everyone knows, a beach without sand is like Ann Coulter without a mouth.
The last inhabitant to leave the island was Poopoo GooGoo, Jr., who worked as the island parking lot attendant. GooGoo left right after the Thanksgiving holidays in 1919. It is believed that he moved to either Poughkeepsie, New York, or Differdange, Luxembourg.
SIDENOTE: So today the island of Tristan Da Cunha lies pathetically isolated without any sand, any dogs, and any people. The island is extremely desolate and horribly remote, even more remote than Amy Winehouse's bedroom.