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Wednesday, 28 July 2004

Michael Moore may not have cracked the nod for the Democratic Convention but he's scored big time with the role of James Bond in "You only look like you've lived twice". This news breaking after Pierce Brosnan confirmed that he is no longer playing the much sought after role.

A spokesman for Eon Productions said they had chosen Moore because "there is enough Moore to cover Bond, Q, M, and 5 other parts which means a huge saving in terms of budget."

The new film is being shot entirely on location in the Kruger National Park in South Africa. The sauve (shaved was as close as they could get really) Bond is called in to halt attempts by Dr Doom to capture the world's wildlife. Ironically most of this takes place in the Bush.

Bond is caught up in a non-stop action thriller as he leaps from one mud pond to the next. We asked the producers why so much of the action takes place in a mud pond which left Moore covered from head to toe and unrecognisable. They declined to answer stating simply that if you have to ask you shouldn't be a critic.

The most intriguing bit is the famous Bond love scene. We asked the director whether the actors needed Viagra. "Normally no but I have to admit that that hippo cow wouldn't have allowed Moore near her if she hadn't been heavily dosed".

But surely these animals are wild? "Wild? She was absolutely furious when Moore cornered her....".

But surely a James Bond movie is high-tech drama? "Well yes, Bond does have a haversack with cutlery, Swiss Army Knife and a book on 'The Park on $5 a day".

Are these the tools to bring down the evil Dr Doom? "Not really it's just that Moore is fanatical about three square meals a day, served on time".

What about future Bond movies will Moore be playing the part of 007? "I'm not sure at this stage. One of the great benefits of a nature reserve was the wardens sometimes allowed Moore to eat with the rest of the animals at the trough. It will depend on that being available."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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