In a surprise move today it was announced that English and very Jewish singer Amy Winehouse was to become the tenth President of the state of Israel.
'It's a larf, innit!', she chortled at a news conference from her home in north London, 'me being, like, the new Prez of Wotsit. Israel, yeah, or sumfink. I intend to put some class and style back into - hey, you!', she suddenly screamed, before taking a punch at a nearby Daily Wail journalist,
'quit leering at my chest, ya moron! Where woz I? Israel, yeah, OK. Them Palis won't know what'll hit em, I'll make Benny Netanfingy look like Benny Hill, this time it'll be no more Missie Nice Girl! Fire a rocket at me and I'll wipe Gaza City off the face of the planet. Woohoo!' A reception was already being planned to welcome the new President to Jerusalem, and the Wailing Wall has already been renamed the Amy Wail in her honour.
''Ere, do I have to eat all that kosher puke'n'stuff?', she said, 'an' sheeps' eyeballs? An' what about all them Jewish blokes wiv funny beards and hats annat? You ain't making me grow a beard! Though mebbe a black hat would look quite nice on top of me beehive - if I could reach the top of it!'
'**** off ya ****!', she yelled at a passing traffic policeman, 'yeah, I'll bring a certain dignity annat to the post of Prez of wherever the **** it is I'm supposed to be going to. Arabia, Sahf Yemen ... nah, Israel, that's it. I 'eard them Tel-aviv Maccartnees are mean football fans, will just be like going to Stamford Bridge again!'
The people of Israel were celebrating the appointment of Miss Winehouse as their new President, and departing President Shimon Peres said: 'Hey, say what you like about us Jewish people, we get all the silly names! Only Amy Alkie Crackhouse could be any sillier! And she regularly attacks men, has absolutely no fear of anyone, and is hardly ever out of the courts on charges of assault and battery. That's our kind of President!'
'OK, Bethany, dearest wife, yes, I know I promised to take you out to dinner. Yes, you like nice in that hat. Sigh, keeping up all this Jewish stereotyping sure is hard work!'
Suggestions by the English singer that she should be received in Jerusalem 'Like Jesus, mate, you know. Plenty of fig leaves and wine an' stuff, thousands shouting 'Hoseasons! Hoseasons!' and lining the streets wiv cocaine an' all that malarkey' are unlikely to be approved by the Israeli parliament, The Knesset. But her planned inaugural concert at the Amy Wail is being eagerly anticipated by strictly Orthodox Jewish leaders.
'Listening to Miss Winehouse destroying such great songs as 'Rehab' with her ghastly bum notes and screeching will bring a whole new meaning to the name the Wailing Wall', said Rabbi Joshua Isaacs. 'Let them Muslims come up with a better torture on a Friday evening than that!'
Miss Winehouse's father was unavailable for comment, but muttered something about 'Don't talk to me about all that Jewish cobblers'n stuff, we're Londoners, mate.'
'Anyway, I suppose Amy'll make a mess of this like she does with everything. She'd better get a decent haircut though ...'