Vatican City - Pope Benedict XVI has announced today that he has decided to appoint Kanye West as his special envoy to the Vatican spreading the message of the Catholic doctrine concerning the Church's position on the only acceptable method of birth control allowed: coitus interruptus.
"His Holiness was so impressed with Mr. West's natural ability to interrupt the MTV Video Awards," said a spokesman for the Vatican. "That he is praying that Mr. West can do the same in millions of catholic bedrooms around the world."
Mr. West's will act in an official spokesman capacity for the Vatican, encouraging the use of coitus interruptus among Catholics.
"He will tour the world spreading the word of Pope Benedict XVI that using coitus interruptus is a safe and effective means of preventing an unintended conception occurrence between two consenting adults, bound in the binding bond of holy matrimony," continued the spokesman for the Vatican. "Providing an alternative form of birth control that is less invasive or immoral as the pill, condoms and abortions."
The Pope has also blessed millions of posters of Kanye West that are so contrived that they give the illusion that you are being watched by him. No matter where you stand in a room.
"They will be distributed during the world tour and have already been made available at local rectories as well," continued the spokesman for the Vatican. "The Hoy See asks the faithful to hang the specially devised Kanye West posters above their bed boards and to look at it during sexual intercourse to avoid coitus non-interruptus."
"It really works!" said Paul Hanker, a 24-year-old Catholic who recently engaged in consensual sex intercourse with his wife. "Last night when my spouse and I were conducting sexual intercourse, I started to lose it."
Two minutes into sexual intercourse, Mr. Hanker knew he was in trouble and instinctively turned to his home remedy first, a bucket of ice water he keeps by the side of the bed.
"I know it's not sanctioned by the Church," said Mr. Hanker. "But that's all I had until the Kanye West poster came along."
"If I told Hanker once, I told him a thousand times," said Father O'Bryan, Mr. Hanks priest who still insists on conducting Sunday Mass in Latin. "Keeping a bucket of ice water by your bedside for birth control maybe approved by the Church, but not mine -- I don't care what Vatican II says. And using it for the purpose other than chilling a bottle of red wine before Communion is a sin. Looks like Hanker will be owing me a thousand 'Lord's Prayers'...on his bare knees in the cobblestone plaza in Mexico City."
Fortunately, Mr. Hanker forgot to fill up the bucket.
"So my wife motioned to me with her eyes to look up," said Mr. Hanker about the on goings back in his bedroom.
At first Mr. Hanker misinterpreted his wife's ocular signals and looked up at the ceiling where his wife had hung a poster of Angelina Jolie.
"But then I realized she was rolling her eyes at the poster of Kanye West hanging above our bed board," said Mr. Hanker. "Suddenly I felt the presence of Kanye West right there in our bedroom."
Frightened by the appearance of the ghostly apparition of Kanye West, Mr. Hanker jumped off his wife. And just in the nick of time, too.
"Then it spoke to us," recalled Mr. Hanker. "Saying: 'Hi there folks. I'm Kanye West. I'm on a mission from God. Well, not really. But I have been sent here by a higher power...Beyonce. And I got to tell you she knocks boots way better than you two. Well, my job is done here. Bye for now. And oh, you can continue with what you were doing. I give you my permission."
"The Church approved Kanye West coitus interruptus poster saved us form having another unwanted child," said an excited and sexual satisfied Mr. Hanker.
"Yeah, that's true. I guess," said a disappointed Mrs. Hanker. "But it's still so frustrating."