Bargis Tryhol, world record holder as the man with the world's largest penis, was evicted from his Florida apartment this week. Tryhol was put out by his landlord, Lowell Markham.
Mr. Markham stated that there was a problem between Tryhol and another tenant, a custodian named Steven F. Osteen, that led to the eviction.
According to Osteen, "Bargis was always making noise and was up all hours of the day with his women. He also didn't recognize my superior rights to sleep whenever I felt like it (as I work nights). He also got mad when I tried to tell the guys at work that I knew him and when I tried to make money off of his name. Besides, he was also famous for taking these huge dumps and all of his turds would clog up the plumbing. How is a superior mind like mine supposed to prepare for my challenging work with something like this going on?"
When asked about the eviction, Tryhol said that "I got tired of having his ACORN and Obama stickers put on my car on a daily basis. I got tired of his megaphone speeches by the pool where he shouted his nonsensical drivel. I got tired of the constant parage of social workers telling me and all of the other tenants that we had to be extra special nice to him because of his hard life"
"I mean, who really gives a damn that his tricycle got run over by a drunk neighbor when he was three years old and left it in the yard overnight. Get over it! Get a life!"
"Steven F. Osteen spends all of his free time in the evenings sitting by the pool and getting us sick with the smell of his medical marijuana. He's never, however, shown anyone an actual prescription."
"The landlord keeps coddling this one, and yet we all know that he isn't paying his own rent anyway and he's a government subsidy. We all know that the rents paid by real tenants bring in more money anyway as the government subsidizes at a lower rate."
"If the landlord spent more time in the apartment complex, he would have seen this."
When asked where he would go, Tryhol said "hey, I've got the world's biggest penis. I'm off to find the woman with the world's biggest mouth!"