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Friday, 18 September 2009

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Jessica Simpson's Dog Daisy

Los Angeles, CA: After an intense 4-day search, Jessica Simpson's dog was found alive, 150 miles from where it was reported dognapped. Daisy, a 5-year-old Maltipoo, was dehydrated and dazed, but otherwise had remarkably few injuries for its ordeal. The dog suffered minor bruises and abrasions, and is expected to make a full recovery.

On September 14th, Daisy was snatched by a coyote in Simpson's Encino neighborhood. A horrified Simpson was with Daisy at the time of the dognapping.

"I tried to run after the coyote," said a tearful Simpson after the incident. "I'm pretty fast, but I was no match for the coyote. I mean, roller skates are one thing, but a rocket? There was no way I could keep up with that. I tried...I really did, but it was too fast and there was just too much smoke."

The rocket-skate-powered coyote was last seen with Daisy heading east towards the desert. Daisy was found by authorities yesterday evening on a 2-lane road leading back towards Los Angeles.

"I was really scared for a while," said an excited Daisy. "Being snatched by a coyote is scary enough, but the noise and heat from that rocket was even more intense."

When asked to explain how she escaped, Daisy weaved an intricate tale of intrigue and deception. "First, we rode that rocket all the way to the desert. But then, on a hairpin turn, the coyote lost control and we went right over a cliff. We were in mid-air, floating. The coyote made a huge mistake and looked down. I mean, everybody knows you don't look down if you run off a cliff! But this coyote was like, stupid or something. So he lets me go and starts scrambling back towards the road, but by then it was too late. He fell a long ways while I strolled back to the road. I heard a small 'poof' a few seconds later."

Daisy followed the rocket's smoke trail back towards home, but the coyote wasn't finished. "A few minutes later, I looked over towards the horizon and there was this coyote, stretching himself on a giant slingshot pointed right at me! I couldn't believe it! I thought, 'Surely this isn't the same coyote. He couldn't have survived that fall, and if he did, how did he get back up here so fast? And how did he build that giant slingshot?' But it was him. I didn't even have to hide though, because he shot the slingshot right into himself!"

Daisy continued, "As if that wasn't enough, 20 minutes later, I come across a pile of kibble in the road, with a sign that says 'Free Dog Food.' So I eat some if it to regain my strength. Out of nowhere, this pissed-off coyote comes up to me, and instead of snatching me again, he looks at the kibble all angry-like and starts to eat it too. Then his stomach explodes. It was insane. I was relieved though. I thought for sure my ordeal was finally over. No one can survive an exploding stomach."

An incredulous Daisy described the continued attempts on her life by the coyote that haunted her over her journey. Repeated attempts at catapulting a boulder at Daisy resulted in the coyote launching the boulder onto himself or himself into the boulder. A spring-loaded wall was constructed to pop up from the road when Daisy was running. A portable hole was strategically placed in the road. A mural depicting a road was even painted onto the side of a mountain.

Each attempt resulted in more injuries to the coyote. "I couldn't understand it. I still don't," said Daisy. "This coyote was obviously very intelligent, but at the same time, one of the dumbest animals I have ever met. I mean, each plan was more intricate than the last. Why didn't he just shoot me? It doesn't make any sense. And the items he used: giant rubber bands, rockets, invisible paint, explosives- these are large items. The postage alone from ACME must have been in the thousands of dollars. Why didn't he just order a pizza and save his money? Why all the expense and time over a tiny Maltipoo? And where was Homeland Security in all of this? They won't let me bring 6 ounces of mouthwash on a plane, but they let a friggin' coyote order rockets and explosives through the mail? It just doesn't add up."

Ms. Simpson and Daisy were reunited at 7 pm yesterday. Jessica told reporters outside her home that the dog was doing well. "Daisy had a nice poop and took a long nap. And so did I," said Simpson.

As for the coyote, authorities are searching the desert. They've found evidence of spent explosives and other traps but so far, no coyote. The FBI has subpoenaed ACME Corporation and has ordered them to surrender their customer list. Daisy said the last time she saw the coyote was again floating in mid-air, about to fall from a steep cliff after a greased-paw mishap. She described the coyote as tall, slender, and brown, holding a sign that says "Uh-oh."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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