Written by Steddyeddy
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Sunday, 13 September 2009

image for Jack Tweed receives government appointment
Jack Tweed and his friend, double neat vodka

Jack Tweed, erstwhile former husband of the late Jade Goody, has received an appointment by Her Majesty's Government that actually doesn't involve a jail sentence, bail or remand.

From next Monday, the former non-entity takes up his appointment as the Government's "Chav Tzar", responsible for ensuring the health, safety, well-being and binge-drinking of the tracksuit-bottomed, fake Burberry-wearing, pierced nipple, non-waged brigade.

Speaking at a press conference held by the Home Office, Mr Tweed explained, mostly in words of less than one syllable, all with dropped "h's" and "th" pronounced as "v", how he intended to carry out his duties, innit?

He said that as a lasting memory to his dearly, departed wife, he was immediately working with Channel 5 to release a boxed set of Jade's appearances on Big Brother. He was also going to introduce drawings into her biography in order that her fans could colour them in if they felt that the book had too many words to contend with. He also planned to bring out an abridged 12-page version of Jade's biography, printed in big letters.

"I fink vat it's great, loike, innit. I mean. Wot wiv Jade passin' on an' loike, leaving me wiv all vis ta do loike. Innit? And I 'ave ta fank Gordin Braaahne fer appoiontin' me to vis import-ent job, innit mayte. Know warra mean?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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