Written by Bureau
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Sunday, 13 September 2009

image for Kristen Stewart Runs Into Real Vampires

On her way out of the studio in Canada Saturday and accompanied by two bodyguards, Kristen Stewart first knew something was wrong when she suddenly turned and the two were missing.

The next thing she knew, according to her story later, was that she was in a mist-like alley and there were beings there dressed in long white robes, with blackened eyes and longer than usual teeth.

"We have a message for you, Kristen", stated one of the creatures in an odd voice.

"I was so scared I was shaking. It was already cold enough out there", she later related.

"We want you to go back out there and give the people a message for us. It is this: THEY are the vampires. They suck the blood from the rich and give it to the poor. They live off the living, the coal miners, the soldiers, the others that slowly give up their lives so that the elite may feast daily."

"There are many Bernie Madoffs out there and they are everywhere. They must change their ways soon or else we will be forced to live off them."

Kristen stated that she then woke up on the street where she last remembered being but the bodyguards were still gone.

They were later found trussed up backstage and were released.

"I have a feeling those were no vampires I ran into", she later told the press. "But I have told you their story as I was told to do. I hope you place it in the news so they will know."

"I think they may have saved me from becoming a real vampire also."

"Of course it could have been some of these idiot co-stars having me on...but I don't think so."

Suddenly there was an explosion of loud laughter in the back.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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