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Saturday, 12 September 2009

image for Chris Farley Diet Couldn't Save "Saturday Night Lineup" Star
"Ith urr ufflle thmnn," said Wilson. "Muth ormnn fathith nn mmn fflffll."

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Casey Wilson denied reports today that she was fired from the Saturday Night Lineup for not being fat enough.

"I had an amazing time on the show," Wilson told interviewers as she polished off another cheesecake. "Those rumors are completely untrue."

Lorne Michaels indicated her decision was "voluntary," noting Wilson had returned her renewed contract proposal to him unsigned and dripping with chicken grease.

Earlier this week, an online magazine reported that the star had been on the Chris Farley diet over the summer, but was given the axe when the show's producers noted she had barely managed to pack on an extra thirty pounds.

Disappointed writers reportedly had "lots of great ideas" for physical comedy sketches featuring what they had hoped would be a much heavier Wilson hurling herself through walls, crashing through tables, sweating profusely, and wearing tiny two-piece swimsuits and sweatpants, but were disappointed to find she was still only modestly overweight.

"I don't know where she puts it," said one.

Reporters caught up with Wilson at an all-you-can-eat buffet, waiting patiently for a comment until she briefly stopped noshing to get back in line with the rest of the trough feeders.

"To clarify, the issue isn't that I'm too fat, it's that I'm too phat," said Wilson. "Can I get a WHAT-WHAT!"

She indicated that, at least until she finds other work, she will be living in a van, down by the river.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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