In the first of it's kind, Rosie O'Donnell will receive a total ass replacement surgery early next year at an unknown Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.
Although it was a close call between O'Donnell and Bernie Madoff, Madoff's health was taken into consideration and so Ms. O'Donnell was chosen.
Being a total ass affects nearly one million people in the United States, many of them in California with New York being second and Washington DC a close turd.
Common symptoms of total-assedness are unattractiveness in ass and disposition plus an unpleasant personality.
Sufferers usually endure a variety of difficulties, including job & friend discrimination since every time they open their mouths, they put somebody or something down. Another is being the constant victims of stand-up comedy and written humor.
Ass Doctors say that the condition of being an ass is usually both physical and mental. So that an entire ass transplant will need a complete body and brain transplant from a very recently deceased donor who was happy and peppy until somebody killed him. (usually a total ass).
"If this operation is completed and Ms. O'Donnell comes out looking and acting like Richard Simmons instead of Rosie O'Donnell, we will consider it a total ass success and will ask the auto license renewal department of transportation in each state to place on the back of the driver's license, a place where a really nice person can donate."
"There is a common misconception that being a total ass is a purely physical condition," states Dr. Rosebud, chief ass surgeon.
"Actually, people can have a really nice face and still be a total ass. So Ms. O'Donnell will look much the same except for the smaller physical ass plus the rest of her body. However, between the new brain combined with most parts of her old brain and lots of happy drugs, she will be a whole different gal."
Meanwhile, Rosie's wife Kelli Carpender has reportedly told the unnamed clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, that however it turns out, "It's gotta be better than it is now."