Aussie soap "Neighbours" is to replace the families killed in the forthcoming ant-eater disaster episodes with a new, more hard-hitting, more realistic family. TheSpoof.com brings you the details of who they are exclusively.
A cross-bred Scottish Aussie, he combines the raging alcoholism of both races, with the compassion of a rabid dog on smack kokaine. He regularly beats his wife, who laughs it off as an Andy Capp parody. Drongo will work at the pub, where he will murder Lou by using 6-year-old Lolly as a hammer on Lou's red face. Drongo's loveable fault is his over-competitiveness with Karl over the local cricket team.
Former winner of Erinsborough's "Bikes'n'Trikes" competition, she's the local schoolteacher. She runs into early trouble with Toady, whose loyalty to his new neighbour is tested when his law firm sues her breasts for libel.
Old Man Joseph
Christian, in the mental Ku Klux Klan sense, he despises Harold's interpretation of the Bible, and all local blacks. Luckily, there is no such thing in Erinsborough, and his views on immigration make him a popular character with the Australian residents. Urinates on Madge's grave in opening episode: Harold's chops quiver.
Regularly beaten by Joseph and Drongo, he strikes a romance with young Leo. Although deemed inappropriate by the neighbours, hey continue their love in secret, often frolicking in swimming pools.
Phil & Grant Mitchell
A problem with the Triads (damn immigrants!) means that the Aussies call their fellow white bother-boys to despatch them back to Dar-Es-Salaam. Hardcore violence sparks a protest by Michelle Scully, whose liberal views cause problems with Joe.
It is unknown how the public will react to the new characters, but is expected they'll take to the faster than you can say "Jim Robinson."