Written by Ilona Ronay
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Friday, 23 July 2004

image for Martha Stewart to Market New Line of Electronic Bracelets, Bureaus, Book
Martha Stewart Mulls Decorating Choices to Share with her Cellmate

New York, NY-- Martha Stewart is seeking to market her new line of electronic bracelets at Tiffany's and her new line of bureaus at Target, sources close to Ms. Stewart said today. Ms Stewart is also said to be in deliberations with several major book publishers about her newest book proposal, tentatively entitled "A Shared Venture: Decorating Your Prison Cell with Your Cellmate."

The electronic bracelets will be modeled on the real thing but will be considerably lighter and studded with semi-precious jewels. They will retail for $139.99 and will be wrapped in a medley of stock tips. "Think Elsa Peretti's kind of shimmery delicacy but on the ankle, not the neck," explained one jewelry expert. "I think that's the look Martha is striving for--airy, light, and free."

The bureaus are designed to evoke the Federal Bureau of Investigation. They will be offered in the following colors: dour brown, boring gray, or institutional cement. The drawers will be top-secret and thus will not open from the front. Access to the drawers' interior space will be through the back. The bureaus will retail for $149.99 and will not appear in any of Target's innovative advertisements because they are just too boring.


As for the book, Martha is concerned that her cellmate will not understand the importance of decorating and creating a warm and comforting habitat.

As a strong and capable woman who sawed down a tree with her own hands to get her own wood to build her own table for her fabled Thanksgiving dinner--during which she served guests on plates she had made, filled with turkeys she had bred, raised, and killed, potatoes she had grown, and pumpkins she had de-seeded--Martha Stewart is no stranger to hard work.

"One Christmas, I remember Martha found some DNA and created a few reindeer to pull the sled that she built the day before to glide over the snow she whipped up in her chemistry laboratory," a former employee said. That employee has recovered from working 27 hours a day, 11 days a week, for 20 years and is now pursuing a more laid-back life style as a telemarketer.

"I just couldn't deal with all the detail Martha insisted upon," the former employee confided.

"It's important for Martha to be surrounded by beauty," explained one of the editors involved in the book negotiations. "Just because she's going to be in a 9 x 12 cell with one window doesn't mean she can give up the idea of curtains, paint, rugs, and even some accent pieces and small items of furniture. Right now she's thinking footstools, under-the-bed trunks to hide the extra prison uniforms and all the things to bribe the guards with, and maybe some cute little wall hangings to give the eye something soothing to look at."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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