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Friday, 21 August 2009

image for New Homosexual Television Network to Begin Broadcasting
The first sponsor is already signed

It has been four years since the beginning of link]the Special Interest Group wars in the cable networks. Next month, the latest population segment will join the fight with the debut of The Homosexual Television Network.

HTN will launch on every satellite and cable system in the United States. This was due to their threats of lawsuits against anyone who did not broadcast their channel and pay them premium prices to do so. The lawsuit was sponsored, naturally, by the American Civil Liberties Union (A.C.L.U.).

As some networks have a nickname, this one has chosen to follow suit. Fans can refer to the network as either "Fudgie-vision" or "Lezzy-Tee-Vee."

The first day of broadcasting will feature:

  • A four hour marathon of Will and Grace
  • The debut of a new talk show to be co-hosted by Ellen Degeneres and Rosie O'Donnell
  • Highlights from the recent International Fudge Packing Championships (held in San Francisco, of course)
  • A forum panel discussing why crewcuts on butch women make them look sexier.
  • The debut of a show "Who's Coming Out of the Closet Today?"


One show that did appear on the original schedule has been cancelled due to lack of interest. It was to feature a man describing how the height of stacks of baseball cards justified his opinions of world energy policy and the Obama administration.

The network will also have a Sunday Evening News Magazine series. This one will be entitled "Sixty-Nine Minutes" and include feature stories involving the gay world. Three topics per week will be covered, and the show will include an Andy Rooney style commentary at the end (to be hosted by Richard Simmons). This week's topics include:

  • Why Bill Clinton continued to stay married to Hillary (was it because they shared Monica?)
  • Instructions on how to ruin the life and career of your boss (and get his job) by accusing him of being "Homophopic."
  • Bert and Ernie: Who's the "wife" in this relationship?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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