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Topics: Cheryl Cole

Thursday, 20 August 2009

image for Cheryl Cole's weight causes problems on X Factor
Up up and away in my beautiful Cheryl Cole

Cheryl Cole's weight has once more been in the news, but this time for the oddest reason - she is now lighter than air.

A source who has sat in on some of the X factor sessions told us that the famous footballer's wife has had to have lead weights fitted to her shoes. "The problem is that she kept floating away during auditions, and it was quite off-putting for contestants."

Various options were mooted: Simon Cowell wanted her to be nailed to the floor. Dannii Minogue wanted her nailed through the head. We asked how this would help the floating away problem, and Minogue replied candidly it wouldn't - but would solve lots of other issues. Both options were vetoed on health and safety grounds - "Political correctness gone mad" fumed Cowell

Cheryl Cole, who has a PhD in astrophysics and who was once linked romantically with sexy academic Stephen Hawking, eventually designed a less painful solution. "I have put lead in my shoes - it keeps me down to earth. Makes a change from putting lead in Ashley's pencil and keeping him up."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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