New musical 'Jacko!' today opened in London's West End Aperphi Theatre, and was attended by a host of American celebrities, none of them officially wanted by the FBI. Film actress Elizabreath Taylor and conjuror Ura Perver attended the first night of the performance, and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second didn't.
The musical is (of course) a musical version of the classic Charles Dickens novel 'Jacko Twisted', in which a grotesque, leering old man gathers together a gang of little boys, and keeps them in his secret house far away from the authorities, and trains them in what he calls 'the art of putting their hands into grown men's pockets and making money out of it'.
Former American football star O. K. Rippson stars as Jacko Twisted, and the head of the boys, The Artful Suer, is played by MacPhaggy Vomitin, and there are plenty of catchy musical numbers to keep the audience entertained.
Including 'Sued, Glorious Sued', 'Consider Yourself Another New Pervy', 'You've Got To Grope In A Pocket Or Two', and 'Reviewing The Latest Surgeon'. But there are also some ballads, such as 'Who Will Buy My Parents Off?', 'I Shall Scream But Nobody Will Hear Me Out Here In The Desert' and 'That Was My Funeral'.
Rippson, who famously was found completely innocent of any crimes a few years ago because he had money and his face had a dark skin, said: 'Playing Jacko is hard work, the number of makeup changes for my face alone is pretty demanding.'
'But you can see why I was cast as Jacko, I strongly identify with the part of the story where, despite being caught by the law and taken to court on blatantly obvious charges of criminal and immoral behavior, he gets off with it thanks to rich benefactors.'
'And the tasteful version of 'Oof For PaPa', where I prance round the stage grabbing my crotch squeaking 'Yow! I'm bad!', always gets a big massive silence from the London audience here.'
Miss Taylor herself makes a cameo appearance as Nancy the barmaid, in the scene in the Trout and Masonic Arms pub where she serves the customers - all courtroom lawyers - lots of steaming plates of apple pie. 'There's nuffink wrong wiv a grown man 'anging around wiv lots of little boys', she said, 'it's wot makes the show so believeable, an' stuff.'
'Any parent would be quite 'appy to 'ave their boys spending their weekends in the 'ouse of a swindling, lying thief, 'oo never wrote any of the songs 'e sings in the show, and when 'e ain't puttin' 'is 'ands in boys' pockets is gettin' doctors to alter 'is face, and is practicing speaking like a little girl. And the fools what says such behaviour is that of a diseased child molester 'oo only got away wiv it coz 'e 'ad money is talking a load of codswallop!'
The musical got rave reviews from the critics after its opening night. 'Rippson is superb as Jacko', said the Evenink Standard, 'it's almost uncanny how he manages to portray a cheap criminal with a black face that somehow never gets caught.'
'My children loved it', added Sally Ballybore, 'I certainly won't have any more misgivings about my little boys spending nights in any male pop star's bedroom after this!'
'The Artful Suer is so slimy and grotesque I felt like vomiting and going home alone', came from The Daily Maily, and according to The Financial Times 'Alastair Darling promises a new pervo tax, a flat rate percentage of entertainers' incomes to be paid to the government, but only after courtroom expenses and fees paid to parents to make them keep quiet have been taken off.'
'Jacko!' is expected to have a long run in the West End, and its writers are already working on a follow-up musical entitled 'Lester De Pester', about a small boy who never grows up, and believes he's still living in a movie set in the 1970s. Well, you've got to pick a pop star's wife or two-ah, you've got to pick a pop star's wife or two.