Los Angeles, CA - According to anonymous zamboni drivers, Michael Jackson is on ice, in a deep freeze, awaiting burial once the Jackson family have come to grips with the fact that the only breadwinner in the family has left the building.
Said father Joe, "...We're still mulling over the offer to have Michael plastinated and put on display in the Smithsonian. I for one don't like this idea. They don't pay much. I'd prefer Las Vegas. The other problem is that people might find this offensive. To overcome that, I'm working on getting all my sons to agree to plastination and having them reunite as the Jackson Five. Then maybe I won't come off like I'm picking on Michael."
Meanwhile mother Elizabeth has been visiting Michael at the morgue, making sure that he doesn't get freezer burn. "It's a complicated job," said Forest Lawn Physical Plant manager Parsley Scopes. "You gotta put a large straw in the freezer bag and suck the air out. Not an easy thing to do for a woman over 80."
One witness, Branstone Lush, famed gay New York theatre reviewer and lifetime Michael Jackson fan noted, "...You know he was one of the most exacting performers of the 20th Century but his burial has been particularily 'half-assed'. Literally! It's been so long since he died, I think he's only got half an ass left."
However Hollywood gossip columnist and part-time Bhuddist, Bradley Pugh, was a bit more forgiving. "This is the world of celebrity. They are stars. Like stars, they each have a different trajectory. Some of them shoot up through the air and disappear from the heavens. Others come down to earth and take out a house or two and perhaps a few pet goats. One can never tell what will happen. Alas, it is written in the stars. As George Harrison used to say....Ohhhhhhhmmmmmmmm."