In a cringemaking interview, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have issued lurid details about their sex lives.
"The last time we did it" says Brad, "I sprained my left elbow getting out of the stirrup". Angelina laughs delicately at this and comments "Well, you insisted on having the donkey saddle strapped on and when your schlong got stuck what else could I do but pull you off"?
This reporter than asked about their favourite places for lovemaking.
"Behind waterfalls is good" pipes up Brad in his surprisingly light, boyish voice. "I like it in the back passage" remarks Angelina in her surprisingly gruff, masculine voice.
Realising that Ms Jolie was not actually referring to a domestic pathway, I then asked the happy couple if there was anything they would not discuss or withhold from public scrutiny.
"Why, yes" replied Angelina, "My testicles are off-limits and Brad's recent affair with Jennifer Anniston".
"We do worry a little about the children reading about us when they are teenagers, but, frankly, screw em" ejaculated Brad.
Sensing an impending altercation, and, frankly, sick of the pair of them, this reporter crept away as the fighting intensified.