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Topics: Big Brother

Thursday, 30 July 2009

image for Big Brother contestant slashes wrists
A Big Brother contestant who had clothes stolen prior to his eviction

A former Big Brother contestant was admitted to hospital today after slashing his wrists and losing over three pints of alcohol.

Lou Natik, who was a contestant in the last series of the programme and who was evicted and derided by the other contestants for having completed the Sun crossword in under four days, was said to be comfortable.

Mr Natik had not been very popular with other contestants, mainly because he had terminal BO, was extremely boring and liked to take out his private parts on every conceivable occasion. However, the female Big Brother contestants weren't always ready and willing to conceive on the occasions that Mr Natic was taking his private parts out for.

A spokesdoctor for the British Psychological Society said that the format of the programme, where total strangers were thrown together in a room and expected to sit around all day discussing nothing in particular, yet shouting at each other all the time, was not healthy. He continued that it was different in the House of Lords where contestants there had become used to it. Also, he remarked, the members of the House of Lords could turn up, sign in, collect £174 and then bugger straight off home again, something the Big Brother contestants weren't able to do.

Mr Natik is recovering, and it is hoped he will soon be able to get back to binge drinking, eating Vindaloo curries and getting sick in the back of taxis.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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