Superstar and erstwhile vampire actor Rob Pattinson today announced that he was sick to death of his so-called fans and said he'd had enough of the showbiz industry.
He allegedly - but as yet unconfirmed - told me, and me alone:
"I must have done something seriously wrong in a past life. These people are just obsessed with me, and I have no idea why. Apart from being a handsome fucker who makes young girls go weak at the knees. Some of these kids need to rethink their ideas of sexual attraction."
When I asked Pattinson to expand on his original statement, he told me, somewhat agitatedly:
"There's this fucking spy. Okay? He's called Bargis Tryhol. He has the world's largest penis.. I can't compete with that. Those people are just so nasty. They lampoon me mercilessly. I just can't take it any more."
Rob Pattinson was then escorted to his trailer by security guys. Big, bulky guys, with muscles and stuff.
Co-star in the Twilight movies, Kristen Stewart, told me:
"Rob's awfully insecure about his lack of length and girth, whereas this Bargis Tryhol chap goes throwing his on tables, and balancing pints of beer on it when aroused. Rob just feels he can't compete. Speaking personally, I tend to agree. Rob's a pretty boy but he'd never be able to tickle my tonsils like that Bargis Tryhol could. I have to leave now because I'm getting damp. Later..."
Which leads me to ask: Does a great big orgasm inducing penis beat a pretty face?
Personally, I just thought a good sense of humour did the trick.Or the guy in the bar licking his own eyebrows. Although I haven't quite figured that one out yet.
More BuckwheatsButt inspired world's largest penis stories as I make them up.