DETROIT - Recently released convict Michael Vick has just been signed by the Detroit Lions.
The Lions who last year had the worst record in the history of the National Football League at 0-16 are thrilled beyond belief to land the services of this very talented quarterback.
Lions coach Jim Schwartz, who so far is doing real good at 0-0, remarked that he can hardly wait to talk to Vick and ask about things such as pass plays, running plays, and prison food.
When a reporter for Makin' Passes Sports Magazine, Hayden Woodwick asked the coach how he felt about Vick's 'dog fighting past' he replied that he did not know one thing about it. He says that he never reads the newspapers, watches TV, or talks to his neighbors.
Woodwick asked him if it wasn't kind of weird that he has no knowledge of national and international current events outside of football.
Schwartz replied that he did not feel that it was at all weird. He then added that what he does think is weird is a skinny, little, runt of a reporter asking about his new quarterback's 'dog fighting past.'
"It's not weird." Woodwick shot back.
"Yes it is. And I suggest that you get your notepad and your pencil and get your contemptuous assmosis out of here before I call my placekicker and have him kick you through the uprights (goal posts).
Michael Vick was asked by ESPN's Heather Beachgarden if he felt that he could help the Lions win at least one game this coming season.
Vick replied, "Hey little short white sista, I am Michael Vick, with a big M and a big V, Okay? I am not Vito Gamberoni, or Taz Luxbocky, or even Amagi Zappazuki.
So I will thank you to freakin' respect my colorful behind and not be axing me any silly ass, honkified, cracker-like questions."
"Excuse me Mr. Vick, but are you calling me a honky and a cracker?"
"Hey woman, if the flip-flop fits wear the mofoing mofo."
Just then Coach Schwartz stepped in and said that there would be no more questions.
Another reporter Jimmy Nottingham of The Saginaw Scrutinizer Star said, "Now hold on there coach. I have something to say. We the sports media covered the Lion's lousy-as-sh*t 0-16 season last year.
We sat in the stands in cold freezing weather with snow up our crotches and icicles forming in our groin regions and we watched the Lions of Detroit play like they were back in grade school.
We had to sit and listen to some of the filthiest, nastiest, smelliest Detroit fans call the players, the coaches, and even the cheerleaders every curse word imaginable and even some that were probably made up.
So don't you now try and brush us off as if we are week-old cornbread, or in Heather's case a week-old muffin.
Now, on behalf of Heather, myself, and the immediate sports media covering the lowly Lions, I demand an apology and I want it right now!"
The coach looked Nottingham in the eye.
He then turned to one of the cheerleaders.
"Hon, what's your name?"
"My name is LaTonya."
"Great. Okay LaTonya. Sweetie why don't you take those cute little sweet-lookin' buns of color of yours and go find Guido Underdakker, the place kicker. And when you find him you tell him that his coach wants to see him right away."
The coach then turned to the assembled reporters. "Okay now, ladies and gentleman of the sports press. Be sure and get your video cameras ready because you are all fixing to witness my placekicker make a couple of 50-yard field goal."
Heather asked, "Ah, where's the football coach."
Coach Schwartz smiled at her and said, "You my little sarcastic, arrogant little beeach are going to be the first football."
He then turned towards Nottingham, pointed to him, and said, "And that skinny, little pimply-faced nerd Nottingshit standing beside you is going to be the second football."
Laughter erupted as Heather Beachgarden and Jimmy Nottingham got up and headed for the parking lot.
Coach Schwartz said that he would allow Michael (Vick) to answer just two more questions.
He called on Phil Ploppweiser of The Cincinnati Daily Informer. "Mr. Vick, is it true that you have given a lot of money to the PETA organization?"
"Yeah, that be right. I have gives them about $1.2 million and I plans to be givin' them even more wunst I gets my first paycheck."
Vick smiled and said, "Next question?"
"Hey Vickster, you wanna buy a dog?"
In other news. NYPD officers took political commentator Glenn Beck into custody this afternoon for violently arguing with himself.