Written by Roy Turse
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Friday, 24 July 2009

image for Amy Winehouse Cleared of Assault - Shit Didn't Hit Fan
Everyone was hammered

Amy Winehouse has been cleared of assaulting a dancer in a charity ball in central London last year.

Miss Winehouse was found not guilty after it was revealed was that she was drunk, the person she was alleged to have hit was drunk and most of the witnesses to the event were drunk.

The Judge was appalled that so many people had turned up at court drunk and immediately dismissed the case. He said he would have brought contempt of court charges against them, but he had had a rather large 'sharpener' for breakfast himself.

Following the court's decision, Amy Winehouse made arrangements to celebrate with footballer Steven Gerrard, another celebrity who has been acquitted of assault today. It seems Gerrard was forced to use his fists to violently defend himself against an onslaught of bad music in a nightclub.

Now the pair are said to be planning to go clubbing together.

The local ambulance service has been put on emergency standby, and all police leave has been cancelled.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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