The full details of how and why Michael Jackson died have been published. The shocking report apparently contains damning evidence that will stun the World and Jacko's fans.
I actually have never, not will ever be allowed to see this report due to a law banning the site from reporting such details.
But I can speculate.
And I can make up stuff.
And I can pretend.
So here goes:
Jackson had large amounts of shite in his system and trace amounts of cabbage - supposedly a habit acquired while staying in Ireland after his scandalous 2005 trial.
Pathologists said they had a good laugh poking and prodding the body of the dead superstar. Some posed him in funny poses. Others shifted about his facial features like some sort of human Mr. Potato head.
Doctors said he died of plastic exposure: so bad was his desire for cosmetic surgery that he took the drastic step of being stuffed full of plastic bags from the local Tesco.
He died of a broken heart - that too was made from plastic, but the hard kind that smashes easily on impact.
The good thing is that Jackson's legacy will literally last for ever as he is totally non-biodegradable.
In 20,000 years, some future race will find this funny-looking freak on waste ground and learn of the 21st-Century's quaint admiration for paedophiles.