New York, NY-- The CBS (Complete Bull Shit) Evening News With Katie Colonic is trying a novel approach to find viewers. Katie will appear topless on newscasts beginning on July 20th. She will be shown completely naked during 'sweep weeks' for higher ratings.
The network's news ratings have plummeted over 99.99% from last year. Recent surveys have shown only dead people still watch the CBS news. The network has sliced most of its staff. Even Katie's desk has been repossessed by the bank.
The chipmunk cheeked Katie, 54, still sports a nice rack. She was nervous, at first, but noted she "will do anything for an extra buck or two." Katie now works a second job at a nearby MacDonalds to make ends meet.
Network executives hope the partial nudity will lead to higher ratings. They noted Katie will wear a bra if the news is very grim, such as an airliner crash. They want the program to be as tasteful as possible.