June 11, 2004.
Notorious New York celebrity lawyer Al Screwum said he is sending is his client, Ms. Courtney Love, to the swanky Mrs. Cartwright's Finishing School for Young Ladies of New England. She will receive basic skills training including washing and brushing her hair, make-up application, controlling body odor, wrinkle removing in clothes and proper selection of wine with a meal.
Mr. Screwum remarked, "It became obvious to our legal team that Ms. Love was losing favor with both judges and jury by arriving in court looking like she had been sleeping in the alley beside the courthouse. Sooner or later this would have worked against our client." He also said, "Off the record, okay folks, her public perception is that of a serious drug abuser and an ageing rock and roll queen. Her next album is going to have to be a mega-hit to pay all her legal bills." Then, he collapsed in convulsions of laughter and was unable to continue.
When asked about having such a famous star attend her prestigious school, Mrs. Eugenia Cartwright replied, "We have had many notorious, hollywood bad-girl types. It's not a problem, we've never failed. The pupil will come in here looking like a strung out heroin addict and will graduate from our school as a neat, organized, well dressed young woman of taste and distinction." She then added, "Now, it is true that most of our girls are between the ages of 9 and 13 but we have had our fair share of adults. About ten years ago, Tammy Faye Baker cleaned us out of mascara and tissues before her make-up lessons began."
On the Monday of this week, we went to this sleepy college town in Connecticut to speak with Ms. Love.
Ms. Love was unavailable for comment, having been detained in the vice-principal's office for attempting to light up a cigarette in class. A few cracks from a well-used hickory switch, some raised voices and then 30 minutes of scratching on a chalkboard could be heard up and down the halls of this venerable institution.
We were just about to get ready for a interview with Ms. Love outside the VP's office when we were escorted off the property with the curt message, "Okay folks, visiting hours are over."