Paris (AFP) Paris Hilton, heiress to several valuable Monopoly hotel properties, has recently tried to set the record straight about the many incorrect things written about her. She spoke to reporters gathered just outside of the Paris Hilton Hotel which was named after her--as was the city of Paris itself. "My feelings have been deeply hurt by all the false things written about me in the press and on the internet. For example, I did NOT give that doorman at the New York Hilton a 25-cent tip; it was a dollar!
And it's NOT true that I invited him up to my penthouse suite for any funny business. I have no idea why he's been smiling so much lately."
"I have NEVER done anything just for the publicity! I'm just a girl who likes to stay at home on weekends and knit mittens. I just am not the kind of person who would pull off wild stunts to get my picture in the papers!"
"And then there's all those rumors that I spend thousands and thousands of dollars on cosmetics, spa treatments, and go on expeditions to try to find the Fountain of Youth. That is all nonsense. I am just a very average looking girl. I wake up in the morning, wash my face with laundry soap, and dry off with an old schmatta.
Why would I spend all that money when I just have a very natural look?"
"It really troubles me that everyone seems to assume that my sister Nicky is some kind of harlot. Yes, she is very glamorous and takes care of herself, but she is also very hard working and down to earth. She answers all the fan mail for both of us. Just as soon as we get fan mail, Nicky sits down at her #7 Remington typewriter and types a long reply.
"We just love our fans, you know! Nicky types the letters, and I lick the envelopes shut. We answer about 3,000 letters a day. If you want to request an 8X10 autographed picture of Nicky and me, just email us. Nicky will type you a long personal letter and I'll lick it."
"Finally, I want to put to rest all those RUMORS that it was actually me in some kind of short movie that I hear has been circulating around the internet on certain kinds of unseemly web sites. That was definitely not me! If you don't believe me, just look at those movies up close and you will see that it is not my face.
As you can plainly see, this is probably a very nice upstanding woman who attends church regularly, but it is not me!"