In a shock revelation, failed celebrity chef Anthony Worrall-Thomson has outed his best friend Jeremy Clarkson, the 17-year-old presenter of BBC's Top Gear motoring and caravanning show.
"Jeremy has been living a lie for years" states Worrall-Thomson, pausing for a moment from his preparation of oeufs en cocotte with a balsamic vinaigrette reduction. Oxo gravy and an aubergine.
Worrall-Thomson goes on to observe that Clarkson left the family home (a £17 million Cotswolds bungalow with an old jet fighter on the lawn) many months ago and that he has completed a quickie divorce.
"Come to think of it", continues WT, laying down his whisk, Susan Boyle has also been living a lie. "Virgin! No Chance! Subo and Jezza have been at it like knives for months"!
"Simon Cowell, Jezza's mate, fixed him up with a blind date with Susan about a year back - why d'you think she was on telly in the first place"?
"I don't know if you noticed" says WT, "but Subo was in the Top Gear credits for "Special Personal Services" last week".
That Ms Boyle has already taken part in Top Gear lunacy will be useful at her upcoming marriage to Clarkson.
The wedding is to take place in Clarkson's favourite caravan (a 1974 Sprite) as it is being towed up a canal towpath by James May's Rolls Royce tourer.
The Very Reverend Oz Clarke will join the pair in matrimony and Richard Hammond will serve as page boy.
No date has been announced for the wedding, but it is believed that the happy couple will wait until the twins are a few weeks old before marrying.
The Stig was not available for comment.